Once Upon a Never...

I'd really, really like to know why it is that people feel like I'm supposed to be the last person to know things. That's how it's always been. I never know what's going on until like... two hours before we're supposed to be leaving the house for a week, or (and this has happened) after whatever I was supposed to do.

I thought maybe that'd get better once I left home? But I guess I'm invisible enough that all of my friends... feel like they have to do the same thing. The thing about that is..... they always tell me when things have gone wrong. After the fact. Tasia, fix this. They don't say that. But it's definitely implied.  I end up fixing a lot of things that have nothing to do with me. I'm.... just tired. I'm so tired, right now, I don't know what to do. There's so much stuff that I have to do, and then people do this. I'm having so much trouble focusing on the things I really, really need to be focusing on, because so much of my attention is locked up trying to fix other people's problems. I don't have time to do the things that I want to do, much less the things that I need to do, because all of my time is devoted to other people.

I guess I'm selfish. I don't know.

But if someone stops you from logging off because they need to talk to you so much that it can't wait a day, you'd expect them to maybe explain themselves, right? Yeah, I was going to go to bed early, because I'm actually really depressed and overwhelmed right now because I don't know what I'm doing academically, and my grades aren't good, and I'm basically going to fail out of at least two of my classes if I don't get my act together right freaking now... so I was going to go try to sleep, because tomorrow's a new day, and I'm going to start over. But you need to talk to me. You need to talk to me because I suppose you just need someone to talk to to get rid of all of whatever it is you're feeling, and I just happen to be someone who's going to listen, because I guess that's the least I can do for someone. But I guess it's also okay to decide, after I've already prepared myself mentally to be awake and be there when I guess you might have needed me, to leave because you can't handle it. Or maybe you think it's to spare me. Whatever. Like it's honestly going to help me right now to have to worry about you. And yeah, I'll worry. Because that's what I do, and if you tell me you're freaking out, I'm freaking going to worry.

I hate blogging. I don't know how this is supposed to help anything. Now I've got a headache, and it's got absolutely nothing to do with errant ideas. 

I just don't want to, anymore. To anything. I don't want to write. What I write sort've hurts. I don't really want to learn. I'm not retaining it, anyway. I just want to curl up and sleep for a century. I can't even do that, because I sleep for five hours and then I'm awake. I just want to drop everything and go away for a while. I don't want to listen to people's problems, anymore. I know you have problems. Everyone has problems. I don't want to listen to people asking me about my problems, and I don't really want to talk about them. I know I have problems. I'm dealing with them, thanks. 

This is so freaking emo. 

Someone shoot me. Right now. Before I write anymore of this freaking drivel. It doesn't mean anything, anyway. Just a bunch of cyber-words, cyber-emotions. Just... ah. I just want to bash my head against the wall behind me. As hard as I can. I can't even. My chair back is in the way. 

Oh well. Life, I guess.

I have to write a paper tomorrow. Because I have to talk to my professor about it before it's actually due, so that I don't fail. 

I don't want to fail. That's the only class I'm doing well in.

God, let me figure it out. Help me find inspiration. I'm so out, right now.